Nose Cheese by enos_west

Nose cheese

A man orders a "cheese pizza with no crust" from a local pizza delivery joint as a joke. Unbeknownst to him, that pizza joint is a drug front and he just placed an order for a kilo of cocaine. (story from: /u/Hostiel)

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Started by enos_west
13 lines
eessex updated over 1 year ago

At the sound of the doorbell, I heaved myself from my seat.

I moved over to the door, ready to go on an angry rant about the time. Who the hell thought two in the morning was a good time to turn up at your house? They could’ve woken me up!

They didn’t, but they could’ve, and it’s the thought that counts. I opened the door and my words died on my lips. A man in a pizza deliveryman’s costume stood there, smoking a cigarette and flanked by two burly men in tracksuits.

by shad

Behind them, a bright red SUV was parked, its lights off but engine still gently running.

"Uh...hi?"

The pizza man dropped his cigarette. "Show us the money first."

I glanced around. "Am...am I being robbed?"

The man snorted. "Robbed? Hell no. We’ve got the best prices around."

I looked at the symbol on the man’s hat and came to a sudden realisation. "You’re from Notmafiosos’ Pizza Parlour!"

"Hell yeah, I am. Now where’s the money?"

"I called you guys six hours ago." Prank-called them, to be specific, asking for a ridiculous order. Come to think of it, I hadn’t even given them my address.

The pizza man snorted. "What, you thought we were gonna come in broad daylight? And people don’t normally ask for such massive amounts."

"I only asked for a cheese pizza with no crust."

"Man, what do you mean ‘only’? It would take years to get through a cheese pizza without the crust. What do you normally buy?"

by kyle

I rolled my eyes. "A Hawaiian pizza with no cheese or pineapple."

The pizza man’s eyes widened. "Holy shit, dude. Are you some kind of millionaire?" He turned back to one of the men. "This guy’s a real buyer; go get the product."

The man nodded and headed back to the SUV. He rooted around in it for a minute before turning the lights on, revealing a myriad of logos for Notmafiosos’ Pizza Parlour that I somehow hadn’t seen before.

by shad

He returned soon, clutching a briefcase, which he handed to the pizza man, who laid it on the floor and clicked it open, revealing a pristine pizza box. Slowly and carefully, he stood, and then handed it to me.

"It’s all in there, dude."

What the hell were these guys on about? I opened the box.

"Guys, I didn’t order a box of flour."

by kyle

hi im wrting on this story.....